Feb 8, 2009
How we feel about ourselves-------all the crying, moods, anxiousness..dependent on outside yourself......MCF did this to you, the person who raped you, it is so far in the past now........
post traumatic stress and something else that happened in your youth which you do not talk about...neglect? To what degree? Did your mother not hear you, not love you for who you were? I mean a child needs her caregiver to pay attention to her for her own sake, be there for her, feel safe, nurtured loved wanted.....build her self esteem this way, not based on your cuteness or what you do for others but just for your core, just for being you for nothing. That is the unconditional love you needed. Did you get that? How did you survive when you were three?
All very good and pertinent questions.
Have you asked yourself?
I have not gone back to as young as 2 o4 3. Yet, I have some inklings ...
Whatever neglect I may or may not perceive or believe ... I have been writing poetry since I was eight and journaling since the age of 17. Very cathartic.
No matter what needs might not have been met, it is all perception. And, the past. No longer real. Except in my mind. Most of all, my Heart.
This is why I have self-esteem and self-confidence and self-worth. No matter what ... I knew love. Love was instilled within me by so many and in a myriad of intangible and most wondrous ways. Mainly because I sincerely saw it that way.
I am a living testament to becoming your own miracle. Which is why my son came unto and through me. One more holy chance to love mineself the way I needed to be loved. And, I truly am still and always learning, by loving another, as possibly, no one ever loved me. Who knows! What I do know is that my Mother called me her "Love Child" and most of my blood relations are intensely jealous of me and the bond my beautiful soul-sister/Mom and I shared. For what reason? Must be something special. Just like me.
I have shown myself how truly beautiful I am. Through my words. Kind acts. Life in action. Attention to divine detail. Ability to bring a braver future into fruition. I am now giving myself credit. Even if a few others are afraid to.
You see, what I have learned is that those who point dirty fingers have their own raging war. When another knows only how to fight there can be no Peace.
Therefore, you are welcome for the love I send out and I look forward to you someday opening up and sharing. The courage to reveal is something that not all have. And, this is fine, too.
PTSS is something I feel most all of us, at times, suffer from. I see the intense times when I feel absolute despair ... Then, I journal, cry, dance, work-out, walk, give a massage, receive healing work, light a candle, pray, meditate and maybe even laugh.
To be PRESENT is what is vital. Be in our bodies. Not to live in our heads. Feel our own heartbeat. Know our own truth and not to get our pain confused with what is happening inside or with someone else.
My recommendation to you, also, single Mommy, is to lighten up, stop judging others, sort of your own stuff with your own Mommy - while you are both alive, and spend more valuable bonding time with your own blessed son - before he leaves the roost and you lose your valuable opportunity, forever.
Learn from my intimate writings shared on my sites - set high and mighty. Stop being afraid to shine your own glorious light. Let go. Take those gorgeous Goddess-sent wings out of your dusty closet. And, fly ....
And, so much more ...